


Cause and Effect: Aftershock

by ravenhowlett



Series: Cause and Effect [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Modern AU, levihan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-21
Updated: 2014-01-21
Packaged: 2018-01-09 12:52:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1146219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenhowlett/pseuds/ravenhowlett
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A few years after Hanji and Levi start their family, they make a life shattering discovery about Hanji’s health. These are the bumps along the road to recovery and redemption.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This took a little while to write. Sorry for any errors. Give me any opinions you may have on this!

_Life is strange. Sometimes you’re dealt a hand that you’re so sure of. You’re positive that everything will be a smooth ride. You coast easily until you reach the end, and that’s usually when things get a little tricky. But if you’re good, and you know how to play your cards right, you can manage with as little struggle as possible._

_And then there are those who end up with the short end of the stick. They may have a beautiful, loving family, and a nice home, and maybe even a pet, but do they have their health?_  

"Just say it already, you know I hate when you drag this on," she complained. Her head rested in her left hand as her right continued to squeeze the strap of the purse sitting on her lap.

"At this point there’s nothing we can do. Chemotherapy can buy you more time, but it will also put you through Hell and back again. That’s basically it."

"So then having a double mastectomy pretty much did nothing."

"Actually, most of the cancer cells were removed due to the double mastectomy. Losing your breasts right when you did gave you an extra year and a half to spend with your family."

"So now what? Do I just pack all my shit and hope it happens quick? Less time to suffer?"

"One year. An additional couple of months if you’re especially diligent in eating right and getting the proper exercise. And that’s with chemo."

"I see… I think we’re done here. I’ll be in the food court, staring at the vending machine." And with that, she stood from her chair and stormed out of her doctor’s office.

After a moment of silence, the doctor looked to the man sitting across from her. He was hunched forward in his seat, staring at his shoes, obviously gritting his teeth.

"You haven’t said a word since you got here," said the doctor.

He looked up slowly. “She didn’t even cry this time.”

"Do you want your wife to cry, Levi?"

"I just want her to feel something. She’s been putting on that stupid smile for the past year and it pisses me off."

"We’ve been over this dozens of times. If Hanji wants to hide what she’s really feeling about this, then you can’t stop her. Just… keep her comfortable. And  _don’t waste her time._ ”

* * *

 

"Can we pull Petra out of school early today?" asked Hanji. She’d been silent since they left the hospital.

"Why’s that?"

"I want to spend the day with her. We could take her to lunch, maybe see a movie. It’d be nice."

* * *

 

"And then we sat down for reading circle and I got to pick out the book today and it was the one about the old woman who swallowed a fly and right before recess we got to have animal crackers and we played Duck, Duck, Goose! And I never even got tagged!" 

Their little girl bounced excitedly in her booster seat as she described her morning at school. She had what Levi hoped was chocolate and not dirt smudged on her left cheek. And on her right knee was a band-aid, haphazardly slapped over a poorly cleaned, and fairly large scrape. There was a bit of dried blood around it.

"What happened to your knee?" asked Levi as he readjusted his rear view mirror. 

"That mean boy at recess, he pushed me down when I was playing with a jump rope!"

"Do I have to call someone’s parents?"

"No. But I got some of my blood on his shirt. He cried."

"That doesn’t sound very sanitary. Or nice."

As the little girl went on about her day, Levi glanced up at Hanji. She was asleep with her head leaning against the window and her arms wrapped tightly around her daughters brightly colored backpack.

When Levi pulled into their driveway, he turned around to look at Petra. 

"Is Mommy sleeping?" she asked in a whisper.

Levi nodded and then whispered back to her, “Go wait by the front door for me while I wake her up.”

The girl eagerly unbuckled her seat belt and quietly climbed out of the car.

Levi turned back to Hanji and stroked her hair. “We’re home,” he said softly. “Come on, Four Eyes, Petra’s waiting for you by the door.”

She began to stir and slowly opened her eyes. “Hmm?” She looked around and saw that they were in fact home. “That was fast,” she said with a laugh.

Levi got out and opened her door for her.

As they entered their home Petra quickly kicked off her shoes as she dashed into the living room and jumped onto the sofa. 

"I think I’m going to take a nap," Hanji said as she hung her coat on the rack by the door. She left to the room without further comments.

"I don’t think your mom and I cleaned this living room just to have you leave your smelly shoes in the middle of the floor," said Levi as he stood in front of the television.

"But Sleeping Booty is on!" the girl whined.

Levi did his best to hide his smirk when he was trying to act stern. “Petra, it will literally take you twenty seconds to take your shoes to your room and come back.”

"Fiiiiine…"

As she left the room, Levi sorted through the mail that he’d tossed onto the counter minutes ago. All medical bills, save for one internet bill.

Just as he saw his daughter running back to the sofa he called out to her again. “Have you got homework today?”

"I’ve got a bit…"

"Care to show me?"

She pulled her backpack off from the back of the chair and unzipped it. Then she proceeded to pull out a light pink folder with a crayon drawing of a flower. As she shuffled through the pages in the folder she set aside a few loose pages. “I have to draw a picture of my family, and I have to write a story to go with it.”

"Then I suggest you get started on that." 

After Petra started on her work they spent the next twenty minutes in near silence, save for the sound of the television on low volume. 

When she was almost done with her drawing, Petra looked up at her father who was sitting  across from her reading a large hard cover book.

"Daddy?" she squeaked as she set her green crayon down. He looked up at her and waited for her to continue. "Is mommy still sick?"

Levi pursed his lips and then nodded. 

"Is she going to get better?" 

"I certainly hope she does," he said quietly. 

A few more minutes passed when Levi looked at Petra again. She’d finished drawing her picture. For a six year old who favored crayons, her drawing abilities were remarkable. It was definitely a trait passed down from Hanji. She’d drawn each member of her little family, including the puppy, with great detail. She even added various freckles and dark circles.

"Well I know what Santa’s getting you now," he muttered under his breath. "Petra?" She looked up from her story. "Do you want to spend the weekend here or would you like Nanaba and Mike to pick you up tonight?"

Petra had been living with Mike and Nanaba since she turned five. Levi and Hanji were spending so much time at the hospital that they would lose track of time and forget to pick her up from school. They didn’t want to feel like neglectful parents so they ended up arranging a solution with their closest friends, who also happened to be her godparents. Luckily when things with Hanji started to settle down they were able to see her more often. 

So far the last three months have been the smoothest and they were able to make time to see her every single day.

"Well… Banana wanted me to clean my room today… I would rather stay here."

Levi smirked. “If you think staying here is going to get you out of cleaning your room, you are sadly mistaken. I saw the state you left this one in before you left here last night.”

"I just can’t catch a break with you adults," she groaned into her hands.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet. Wrapping up the end of a weird day.

Hanji was still awake when Levi entered their bedroom. She was laying on top of the blankets in nothing but a pair of pink panties and purple fuzzy toe socks, with her laptop resting on her bare belly.

"Thought you’d be asleep by now."

"I was but then it got too hot. Then I put on a movie hoping that would help me fall back asleep but then I started having cold sweats. I ended up taking a cold shower and now I’ve just kinda been in and out for the last hour… I think I have a fever."

"Did the shower help much?"

"Little bit. Shit… It’s ten already?" She looked up at Levi with sad eyes. "What time did they pick her up? And how come you didn’t have her tell me bye?"

"She hasn’t left, Hanji. She’s going to stay the weekend. She actually just got out of the shower a few minutes ago and is getting dressed now."

"Oh… That’s good. Better, actually. I need more weekend time with her."

As Levi undressed for the night and prepared for his shower, he observed Hanji out the corner of his eye. Her long auburn hair was splayed across her pillow, her glasses sat low on her nose, there was a faint blush creeping along her chest, around her nearly symmetrical scars. There were dark circles under her eyes-darker than his own-and frown lines around her mouth.

Upon taking in her appearance he couldn’t help but feel sad for her. She had one more year to be with him, with her daughter, to enjoy all the things she loved. One year. Suddenly he remembered what her doctor had told him that morning. He couldn’t waste her time. He would do everything in his power to make sure this last year was absolutely perfect. He couldn’t stand to see her depressed for another day, and he would be damned if she lingered in bed until noon again tomorrow.

"You’re staring," Hanji said suddenly. She’d pulled Levi out of his self indulgent thoughts and brought him back to the present moment. "And you’re naked."

"You’re blushing… And I’m not naked if my underwear is still on, Four Eyes." Levi flopped himself onto the bed next to her, trying to see what was on the screen of her laptop. "What movie are you watching?"

"I lied… I didn’t think you were going to come in here for a while so I was watching porn." 

Levi rolled onto his back and covered his face with a pillow and groaned. “Why do you insist on cock-blocking your own husband?”

Hanji laughed. “I swear I’m not trying to. But you know how I feel about sex when she’s here. It’s just weird.”

"And watching porn when she’s here isn’t weird?"

"Come on, I’m using ear buds, and the door is closed!" She glanced at him again and took the pillow from his face. "I promise I’ll make it up to you… Just be patient."

Levi scowled. “I’m going to shower.” He got up from the bed and collected his things.

"I know what else you’ll be doing," Hanji chuckled as he closed the door leading to the master bathroom.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day in the life.

Mornings were interesting these past few months. If they weren’t running late for an appointment (or school whenever Petra stayed the night), then they were taking it slow. First things first, Levi would get Petra ready for school. After he saw her off at the bus stop he’d start the day by making breakfast for Hanji. Breakfast was made by eight, and he would meet her in the room with her medicine and a kiss to wake her up. He’d then help her to the kitchen-she insisted on never having breakfast in bed, it made her feel like a complete invalid-and after breakfast he’d help her back to the room and prepare a bath for her.

At about ten is when the day really started for them. That’s when Levi would finally leave for work-he started taking later hours when Hanji’s condition worsened-and Hanji would go back to bed for a nap. By two in the afternoon she’d be woken up by her best friend Nanaba, who also happened to work as a hospice nurse. Conveniently she and Mike lived just up the street, and since they’d taken in Petra, they were almost always around whenever Hanji or Levi needed something. 

"Rise and shine, pumpkin," Nanaba said in a singsong voice as she opened the curtains of Hanji’s bedroom. 

"I keep dreaming that it’s time to die," mumbled Hanji from beneath a pillow. "And the moment Death comes for me it’s like Groundhog day, and he tells me I have six more weeks of life to live, and then he scurries back into whatever dark hole he crawled from and waits until then to try and claim me."

"Well that’s good. It means it’s not time yet, and you have to keep on going. You have to fight to live."

"So everyone keeps telling me," she said as she sat up. "On a less morbid note, it’s a weird day today. All my joints hurt."

"Well it is raining… Do you want to sit in the living room with a heating pad for a while?" Hanji nodded.

After Nanaba set up a nest of blankets for Hanji to curl into on the couch, she hugged her friend and left.

Hanji would be alone for the next few hours until Levi came home around seven. She watched through the living room window as his car pulled into the driveway. He came in carrying several bags of groceries in one hand and a sleeping Petra in the other. Once he set the groceries down he walked quietly to Petra’s room to put her in bed. When he came back to shut the front door, Hanji spoke.

"How was your day?"

"Good and bad," he punctuated his statement with a sigh.

Hanji pulled her feet up on the couch and patted the spot next to her, motioning for him to sit with her. “What made it good?”

"Well Mike came into my office to let me know that he and Nanaba have raised enough cash to be able to participate in the Komen Race this year. That was right when I got there so that kind of kept me going for the whole day."

"Hn… What made it bad?" she asked. These past few weeks she hated hearing about the foundations. The fact that she knew she wouldn’t survive this always clouded her mind with negative thoughts.

"I had to take lunch early because I got a call from Petra’s school."

"Oh?" Hanji seemed to perk up at this. "What happened? Is she alright?"

"She got into a fight but she’s fine-"

"A fight?! Why?"

"I guess one of the other kids has been bullying her for a couple weeks now. Today she finally had enough. The other girl kept telling her things and when Petra told her to stop, the girl pushed her down. That’s when Petra retaliated. Apparently all the other kids were egging them on."

"Oh, my poor baby. How old was the other girl?"

"Third grade," Levi said as he leaned his head on the back rest of the couch.

"A third grader picked a fight with a first grader… What happened when you got there?"

"Well the girl’s parents were there when I got there. They were all sitting in the principal’s office waiting for me. The parents tried to accuse us of raising a vicious monster but then the principal let Petra explain her story first since most of the other kids who witnessed it said the girl made the first move. Her parents were pissed. Especially when Petra explained why she was being bullied."

Hanji rolled her eyes. “It was about me, wasn’t it?” Levi nodded. “Children are dicks,” she deadpanned.

Levi couldn’t help but to chuckle. “Anyways, Petra has a bruise on her cheek but the other kid lost a tooth and has a black eye… But I suppose that’s because one of Petra’s friends broke it up by throwing a large handball at her.”

"Good… Now that brat will have reminders of why it’s bad to be a shitty person."

"Well I’m just glad it all got settled."

After a beat Levi stood up.

"Where are you going?"

"Gotta put away the groceries. I’ll come back in a moment."

That night after dinner and after Hanji went to bed, Levi lingered in the living room. His body wanted sleep but his mind had other intentions. After a moment of contemplation he pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed Mike’s number.

"What’s up, man-"

"I have a dilemma," Levi cut his friend off.

"Straight to the chase. Alright, what’s going on?"

"Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and I want to make it special for Hanji…"

"And…?"

"And so I need you and Nanaba to insist in keeping Petra for the night."

"Oh," Mike chuckled. "So it’s like that, huh?"

"Mike."

"Alright, alright… I’ll see what I can do."

"Thanks." 

After they hung up Levi finally decided it was time for bed. When he got to the room there was the sound of the humidifier by Hanji’s side of the bed and her breathing, which to be honest sounded more like wheezing to him. When he got into bed and his head finally hit the pillow he could feel sleep rapidly pulling him under.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s Valentine’s Day. It has to be just right.

The morning seemed to arrive just as soon as sleep came. With light daring to peak through the curtains and the now soft murmur of his companion’s breathing, Levi felt almost content with being awake so early. Just as Levi began to stir he heard quiet giggling just outside his door. Petra was awake. Moments later there was the creak of the door being pushed open slowly, as well as her tiny bare footfalls on the hardwood floor. When she approached the bed she came up on Levi’s side.

Slowly she reached a hand out and tapped him on his forehead and whispered, “Daddy… Are you awake yet?”

Without opening his eyes he responded with a simple “No.”

She giggled. “Can I help you make breakfast today? For Mommy?”

Levi looked at her now. “Wash your hands. I’ll meet you in the kitchen.” 

After Petra was dismissed Levi turned over to examine his sleeping wife. Her limbs were spread haphazardly across the bed, her bare chest just barely peeking out of the sheet. There were dark circles beneath her eyes, her lips were slightly chapped, and her skin appeared a bit pallid this morning. 

Looking at his wife in this condition made him so sad.  _She’s going to die,_  he thought.  _It will happen quite soon and then I’ll only have Petra as a reminder, a memento of one of the best things that ever happened to me._  

After a moment Levi snapped out of his sulking mood. He had breakfast to make and a date with his two best girls to go on.

When he got to the kitchen Petra was sitting at the table patiently. She had a magazine in her hands but instead watched her father’s every move. 

"You wash your hands?"

"Yup."

"What are you hungry for?"

"Waffles."

"Find the large mixing bowl. We’re making them from scratch today."

Most of the meals that Levi ever had to make were light. He certainly wasn’t a heavy eater, and neither was Petra although she had her moments. It was Hanji who ate the least in the household. If she ate too much or if the meal wasn’t healthy enough she would just end up purging it before the days end. Unfortunately nausea just happened to be one of the main side effects of her daily medicine.

"Do you think your mother will be up for waffles?" Levi inquired as he searched for proper ingredients. Petra just shrugged. "Maybe she’ll be able to handle one."

When breakfast was finished Levi picked Petra up and set her on the counter and said, “Before we eat I want you to take a quick shower and get dressed for the day. I want your mom to wake up to a clean daughter, not a filthy zoo animal.” She stuck her tongue at him and he tousled her hair before he set her back down. “Now go. I’m waking her up in fifteen minutes and I want you out and dressed by then. “

* * *

 

"Now I wonder whose lovely idea this date was," Hanji inquired while Levi drove. She turned around in her seat, painfully so, to look at Petra who was pretending not to notice her. "It couldn’t have been Daddy, and it certainly wasn’t me…" Petra’s expression slipped and she exposed a toothy grin. "I’ll bet it was you."

Petra giggled and kicked her feet. “Okay, it was me. But Daddy supported me all the way.”

"I don’t deserve half as much credit," said Levi as he glanced at his daughter in his rear view mirror. "Though it’s appreciated."

"If you ask me, I think it’s earned her an ice cream at least."

"Ice cream?! We’re getting ice cream? I want ice cream!" Petra’s voice was shrill and both Levi’s and Hanji’s ears were ringing.

Levi shot Hanji a sideways grimace before saying, “We’ll see about the ice cream.” Petra kicked her feet again. “In the mean time, Hanji, there’s a surprise waiting for you at the local church.”

"Church?" She looked absolutely confused. What could possibly be waiting for me at a church?" When the image of a funeral flashed in her mind she quickly shoved that thought away for later. Today was supposed to be a good day and she would be damned if she let her depression drag her to the curb.

"You’ll see," was all Levi said in response. The rest of the car ride was quiet, save for one sudden outburst of song on Petra’s part. She managed to get her mother to sing along to A Girl Worth Fighting For towards the end of her little show. 

The parking lot of the church was packed, however there was one free parking space with a sign in front of it that said reserved. Hanji asked if it was okay to park there because it might be for someone else but Levi reassured her it was definitely okay.

The inside of the church, crowded as well, was oddly buzzing with excitement. The chairs were stacked in a corner and so everyone was standing around in odd groups here and there. Some people were staring at the walls, fascination painted clear as day on their faces. 

 _He brought me to an art gallery?_ Hanji thought.

Levi excused himself from Hanji’s side to speak with someone and they quickly scurried off to the front of the large room. They stood in front of the podium, picking up a microphone and called for everyone’s attention. 

"Levi, what’s going on?" Hanji whispered when he returned to her side. Petra had wandered to the front of the room. 

"Ssshh," was his only response.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention," said the man with the microphone. "Please welcome our guests of honor." He set the microphone down and the lights dimmed. A small figure stood behind the podium now, taking the microphone.

"Hello everybody." It was Petra. "My name is Petra and my mommy is very sick."

"Levi, what is she doing?" Hanji urged. 

"My daddy and my godparents decided to put this show together to help sponsor me so that I can participate in the Komen Race For the Cure this year."

There was a collective ‘Aaaww’ that carried through the crowd.

"All the pictures here were drawn and painted by me. They all look very different but they’re all of the same thing each time. My family."

Another ‘Aaaww.’

"One day I showed my mommy a picture of my family that I drew. She was sad for a really long time but when I showed it to her she got really happy and she even cried. So I thought that maybe if I drew more things for her, she might be happy more often. So that’s what I did." Behind Petra on a screen was one of her portraits, enlarged for the whole audience to see. 

"I drew this one a week ago when I heard Mommy crying. I wanted to show it to her right away but Daddy told me to save this one. He said it was extra special and that Mommy would love this one the most." 

It was a portrait of Hanji done in acrylics. It was remarkably accurate.

The crowd went wild. 

When Petra looked to her now crying mother, she waved. “Anyways, all these pictures are being auctioned today, so uh… help me join the race by buying my art.”

When the little girl came back to her parents, she was scooped into her mother’s arms tightly. “My baby girl,” Hanji cooed in her ear. “Oh, I love you so much. So, so much. My little hero. My knight in shining armor.” She peppered her face with kisses and continued to weep.

The art show was a success. Every piece was sold and more than enough money was raised. 

After the event, the family of three decided to go for a walk in the crisp February air. As they were rounding the corner they happened to run into Mike and Nanaba. 

"Banana!" Petra squeaked as she clung to the woman’s legs. 

Mike and Levi exchanged a series of glances at Petra when Nanaba said, “We were just on our way to the carnival a few blocks over. Are you guys going?”

Petra gasped. “A carnival?! Can I go? Daddy, can I go with them, please?”

"Well Petra, that’s up to them," said Levi.

She looked back to her godparents with hopeful eyes. When Mike nodded, she excitedly danced in a little circle, singing about it as well. 

"And maybe we can stay up really late tonight and have a slumber party. With pizza and ice cream if you’d like," added Nanaba.

After Petra successfully wormed her way into someone else’s evening, Hanji and Levi were alone. When they finished their walk and returned to the car, Hanji was tearing through her purse.

"What are you doing?" Levi asked as he pulled out of the parking lot and into traffic. 

"Looking for some painkillers. Is there still Vicodin in the glove compartment?" She began searching there before Levi could answer. "I’m in so much pain right now. I’m surprised I was even able to pick up Petra the way I did earlier. Ah, found it!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi and Hanji spend the end of Valentine’s day together. There’s an unexpected conversation.

It was about seven when they got home and Hanji seemed to be more upbeat than her usual blue self. As they entered the living room she asked him if he would put on some music. “To set the mood” was her reasoning. The evening definitely seemed to be playing in Levi’s favor. 

Hanji settled on the sofa momentarily, talking about how much she enjoyed her day and all it’s little moments here and there. 

"Well I thought we might have one more moment before the night ends… If you’re feeling up for it, that is," said Levi as he came to sit next to her. He slid his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to him for good measure. 

"Are you asking me for sex tonight?" Hanji asked playfully. Levi looked away and just nodded. "Hmm… I guess it has been quite a while since the last time… Alright." She punctuated her agreement with a soft kiss on his cheek before standing from the sofa. "Meet me in the room."

After giving Hanji a head start to the room-it usually took her a bit of time to get there without his assistance-Levi mentally thanked Mike and Nanaba for keeping Petra for the night. When he entered the room, Hanji was almost completely naked save for her socks. She was sitting in the center of the bed with her feet crossed at the ankles and her hands on the bed behind her for support. 

Once he closed the door, and locked it out of habit, he started taking his clothes off. Not once did his eyes stray from the woman on the bed. Her expression changed from soft to a toothy grin when she realized he was watching her. 

"You’re watching me like you’re waiting for me to say something," Hanji said, interrupting the calm of the muffled music playing in the living room. 

"Don’t say a word, Four Eyes. You might kill the mood," he chided.

Levi climbed onto the bed and crawled toward her, pushing her back onto the pillows. He brought her knees up and let her legs wrap around him while he leaned over her to kiss her. When he pulled away from her, a chill ran down his spine causing him to shiver.

"It can’t be that exciting," she teased.

"Shut it. It was just a random chill." 

With his weight being supported by his left hand, his right wandered up to her face, his thumb stroking her bottom lip.

"Are you ready?" She nodded. He licked his thumb, almost as if he was preparing to turn the page of a book, and began teasing her. She squirmed momentarily before raking her hands through his hair. When he finally entered her, she winced and whined. "Are you okay?" Levi asked right away.

"I’m okay, Levi, I promise," she said as she touched his cheek.

"Should I stop? I don’t want to be responsible for you being in pain later and-"

"I don’t think that we got this far just to suddenly stop. But if you’re not feeling up to it-"

"Trust me, Hanji, I am."

"Then let’s shut up now." And with that, Levi resumed. He was slow and gentle and very precise with how much pressure to use. 

Despite how much pain Hanji had been in during the day, her time with Levi was nothing less than perfect and passionate. She had almost forgotten how it felt to make love with her husband, especially considering how often they were ever able to do it. Which wasn’t very often at all. 

Hanji was still glassy eyed after her climax, and Levi, who managed to ride his out at the same time, was still wrapped around her. His hands stroked her hair, gently removing whatever tangles were loose enough.

Being this close for this long was a perfect bliss for them. Levi wished that this moment would last forever, and honestly so did Hanji. But they knew better. They both knew it was dangerous to think that way. But just this once they allowed themselves to slip up. 

As drowsiness was setting in, Levi allowed himself to linger without cleaning himself off for a bit longer as long as it meant that Hanji was comfortable. She was just starting to fall asleep now and if he made to leave the bed she would surely wake up.

Unfortunately the arm that Hanji happened to be laying on while they were spooning was beginning to go numb. Levi would kick himself for waking her up later but it was just too unbearable. As he carefully and slowly slipped his arm out from underneath her, and he was especially cautious not to pull her hair on the way, she let out a soft giggle. Levi froze in place, the numbness and prickling feelings finally setting in. 

"I wasn’t asleep if that’s what you were worried about," she said quietly. Her speech was partially muffled by the pillow her face was pressed into. 

"My arm fell asleep."

"Then wake it up!" Suddenly she rolled backward, putting all her weight onto his arm. He let out a wince and a groan but recovered quickly and pulled his arm away.

"You’re truly awful, Four Eyes."

"Hmm… I know. But you love me."

"Don’t be too sure of yourself."

"Well I’ve got proof that you love me, considering we have a daughter together."

Levi smiled at that. It was soft and genuine.

"Speaking of… I want Petra to move back in permanently." Levi didn’t respond. He knew exactly where she was going with this. "I think it’s rather fair. I mean, I haven’t exactly got too much time left."

"Hanji."

"And I would like to spend what time I do have left with my girl."

"Hanji."

"And I’m sure she would like to do the same. I don’t think she’ll mind sleeping in her own bed again."

"Why are you bringing this up right now?"

"Because it’s on my mind, Levi. She’s my baby and I think that in my final months of life I deserve to have what I want. I don’t think I’m asking for too much."

"Just remember the reason she moved out in the first place, Hanji. We couldn’t take care of her the way she needed us to-"

"I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, Levi, but I haven’t had a doctor’s visit in months. My condition has slowly been getting worse because  _I am dying_  and there is not a God damned thing I can do about it. Excuse me if I want to spend whatever time in this damn house that I have left with my own daughter.”

"I think you’re being over dramatic," Levi deadpanned. 

"I think you should eat a dick. She’s six years old and she belongs in her own home with her actual parents. Once I die, then you guys are free to do whatever you want. But until then, please Levi, just let me have this."

"I can’t believe we’re having this conversation right now. I literally can’t."

"And I can’t believe we haven’t until now! You’re acting like having her here while I’m still around will be such a burden. Like you can’t possibly take care of two people under the same roof."

"That’s not what it is-"

"Well I’ve got news for you, Levi, I’m the one who’s sick, not you! I want to die without any regrets and if I don’t get to spend my last moments with my husband and my baby girl, then that will be my biggest one."

"Hanji-"

"I understand that you’re stressed out. You’ve got a lot on your plate, constantly taking care of me. And on top of that, working, and still trying to raise Petra. Not having her here, i-it make me feel…"

Levi was almost afraid to press on. “Like what? Feel like what?”

"It makes  _me_  feel like a burden, Levi! I feel like I’m just bringing you down, and that the reason you don’t want Petra back yet is so that you don’t have to take care of a child while you’re taking care of a sick, dying woman. You don’t want to feel like you’re going to fail one of them and so you’d rather just deal with one at a time.”

Levi was silent. His eyes were glossy and he couldn’t look at her. 

"Bingo," she whispered. "I’ve hit the nail on the head, haven’t I? Once I die, you won’t have to spend all your free time taking care of me. It’ll just be Petra. It’ll be easy. Low maintenance."

Levi wanted so badly to speak up, to say that she was wrong. To tell her that she was absolutely out of line for jumping to such horrible conclusions and for making him feel like less than dirt. But he could’t lie to her. Especially when it was so blatantly true.

He simply felt like he was incapable of taking care of his terminally ill wife, who needed around the clock care and assistance, while at the same time, taking care of his six year old daughter who barely knew the meaning of life and death and had a school bully. He felt like he couldn’t simultaneously be a decent husband and father because he was so sure that at some point, one of them was going to be neglected, and either way, Petra was going to end up absolutely heartbroken. 

Of course he couldn’t say all this to Hanji, especially not now. She’d just vented her heart out to him and if he ever told her any of this, she would never forgive herself. She’d think she was a monster for making him feel so horrible. For being so utterly honest with her feelings. He couldn’t put her through that. 

"I’ll talk to Mike at work on Monday. He’ll discuss it with Nanaba and I’ll pick Petra up from school then and I’ll let her know that you want her to come back home."

Before either of them had noticed, there were fresh tears marking both their cheeks. 

Levi sucked in a deep breath before continuing. “I’m sure she’d be nothing less than ecstatic to come back home with us.” He reached out to squeeze her hand and she pulled him back down to lay next to her again. 

"Thank you, Levi," she whispered into the crook of his neck where she settled in, a few more tears slipping out. "Thank you so much. For giving me a baby to love and raise. Thank you for loving me." She was sobbing now but just as quick as it had left her, drowsiness was pulling her under again. 

In a matter of minutes, Hanji was fast asleep, her arms wrapped tightly around Levi’s midsection, and Levi was left to contemplate the one-sided conversation he’d just been apart of. 

Sadly and regrettably, Levi admitted to himself: Hanji was honestly the best and worst thing that could have ever happened to him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanji’s condition summed up. This is goodbye.

Levi could pinpoint the exact moment when things started to go downhill. His life was going great. He and Hanji had finally moved out of their stuffy little apartment and into a brand new, beautiful two story house in the suburbs, they were raising a child together, he’d just been promoted to a higher position at his workplace. Everything was smooth. Until Hanji got sick.

She’d actually gotten sick about two years before they moved; it was a few months before she found out she was pregnant. Her first doctor had just told her it was a false alarm and that she had absolutely nothing to worry about. She and Levi were able to live peacefully and comfortably after that. But it didn’t last very long. When their daughter Petra was just two years old, Hanji started getting sick again. Only this time it was more severe.

At first she thought she was just gaining a bit of weight. She didn’t want to accept what it might be. But when Levi pointed out that it didn’t make sense for the weight to only be going to one breast, she finally gave in and went to see another doctor. It turned out to be breast cancer. They acted quickly as soon as they found out. Levi was all about trying to keep her as healthy as possible with this new found information. He made sure she ate right all the time, as well as got plenty of sleep. He was even willing to take up exercising with her if it meant that it might prolong her existence. All these things were kept up until she started chemo. 

With less hair came less confidence. And with less confidence came depression. She never left the bed. And when she did it was only to use the bathroom. She hated bathing altogether, because it meant she’d be finding more of her hair in the water and in the drain. When she couldn’t even get out of bed anymore, her only comfort seemed to be her daughter. She grew more and more distant from Levi, and so she would fill his place by having Petra cuddle next to her while she napped during the day.

 _I’m going to die,_  she would think to herself.  _I’m going to die and Petra is only three years old. I’m going to die before she has her first day of school. And then Levi will have to take care of her by himself. He’ll probably be bitter after my death, maybe become an alcoholic. Or an addict. He’ll end up offing himself with my depression meds. Petra will be all by herself. She’ll grow up to be really messed up and she’ll just end up following in her father’s footsteps and-NO!_ She had to stop herself. She honestly could not afford to be thinking this way. Her daughter was precious to her and she would be damned if her future turned out that way.

Eventually Hanji got over her depression. It was a steep roller coaster of a ride, but she managed to conquer it. She continued her chemo sessions like a champ and she decided that if worst came to worst, she would have a mastectomy. 

It ended up being a double mastectomy, as there were cancer cells in both her breasts. It took her quite a while to get used to having considerably smaller breasts now. Her cancer had become so severe before that saving her nipples during surgery proved to be virtually impossible. So now Hanji was left with two nearly symmetrical scars on her chest. After surgery her doctor explained to her that she was in remission and that she should expect a fabulous recovery. That she should take up exercising again, maybe have Petra join her so that it would be more enjoyable. 

Unfortunately as the years passed, it seemed her and her doctor’s efforts were fruitless. As Petra was nearing her seventh year of her life, Hanji was nearing her final month. She’d gone back to bed permanently again. Petra, who’d moved in with her godparents when she started school, had moved back so she could spend as much time with her mother as possible. She was young, but she absolutely knew what was happening. She knew Mommy was going to leave her and never come back. It tore her up as much as it did Levi, and they both seemed to handle it similarly. 

Levi was on paid leave from his work. He’d been out for three months, waiting. That’s what everyone was doing now. Waiting. Hanji was no longer bitter about her inevitable death. What bothered her now was that one morning two weeks ago when Levi forgot to brush his teeth because he was so busy brushing hers. She could taste the morning on his lips when he kissed her afterwards. She said nothing but she knew he’d realized it. He spent all of his time on her, taking care of her, making sure she was comfortable, that now Petra seemed to be picking up his habits. 

If Levi didn’t wipe the table after they ate, Petra would. If he seemed restless, she would lead him to the sofa and make him sit for a while, while she wandered off to the kitchen to bring him back a snack. She was taking care of him when it should have been the other way around. He was the adult after all. 

On a Thursday morning before the sun could wake up, Petra was woken up with a start. She opened her eyes to see her father standing over her bed, his arms crossed and an absolutely awful expression on his face. His hair was askew like he’d barely woken up himself. When he didn’t say anything, she just knew. She sat up and he immediately pulled her to his chest, holding her as if she might disappear from him if he didn’t hold on as tight. She stroked his hair to comfort him because that’s what he and Mommy did when she was upset. Secretly she hoped he would do the same.

A week after the funeral, Petra returned to school and Levi finally returned to work. With his suit pressed and his shoes polished, he appeared to be back in his zone. But upon closer examination, his coworker and best friend Mike could see his dark circles, the nick on his cheek from shaving, and the desperation and longing in his eyes for something lost. 

During his lunch break he called Petra’s school to check up on her. Much like her father, she hadn’t said a word to anyone all day. 

Coming home from work was certainly a chore. But picking up Petra from school, and bringing home a pizza definitely seemed to make it easier. Even if Hanji was no longer there to keep them company and make her silly comments and tickle Petra and kiss Levi, at least they were able to make a blanket fort in the living room. At least they were able to laugh and cry and vent and be in such incredible pain. 

At least they would be okay.


End file.
